Our Infertility Journey

Infertility is something that a lot of people dont’ talk about.  And why? For the past two years we have been on this wild roller coaster of trying to start a family.  There have been many ups and many downs, many tears, prayers and hopeful chats between Kurt and I.  And we have been very open in sharing our journey with our family and friends, but hitting publish on this post is terrifying.  I always knew I wanted to share this experience, but I needed to wait until I was more comfortable talking about it. And now I’m finally ready to share our infertility journey.  It has been a long process and a bumpy ride and one that we are still on.

For Kurt and I, we have always known we will eventually get pregnant.  It will happen and we will be called Mom and Dad someday.  We’ve chosen to be as positive as we can throughout the whole process.  Of course, there are those days when you are plain mad.  But we remain hopeful and encouraging and celebrate the little things!

It has helped us tremendously to start talking about and sharing our experience, for both Kurt and I.  Yes, it is a very private manner, but it feels so much better to talk about it and not hide behind it.  The support we have gotten from our family and friends is undeniable.  And in moments of weakness, you need that team behind you fighting the fight because there are days you want to throw in the towel.

I can’t thank everyone enough.  From the bottom of my heart, everyone we have told has all been extremely positive and behind us 100% percent.  It takes a lot of courage for us to open up about such a private manner.  And for our friends and family to pass no judgement on us and be nothing but supportive just goes to show how wonderful of people we have in our lives.  We are extremely fortunate to have all of YOU be part of this journey with us.

And this whole experience has made Kurt and I even closer than we were.  Kurt is one of those go with the flow kind of guys and lets me handle a lot of the details in our lives.  He is always there when I need him, my shoulder to cry on, to vent and always reminding me that we are in this together.  Never once has he made me feel guilty for my emotions or the pain I was feeling.  And not to mention all of the extra work he picks up around the house because I am too exhausted from running to doctors’ appointments.  He is truly one of a kind! And I’m so lucky to call him my husband.

What I’ve learned through this whole process, is patience.  The process takes forever and there are endless tests, results, weeks of waiting, etc.  You find strength you don’t know you had and a willingness to keep moving on, even when you feel numb.  The tears, the heartache, the needles and endless appointments are all worth it because the end result is that precious tiny human.

Ok now for a little more on our infertility journey:

January 2016- One of my best friends was getting married in Antigua in March and Kurt and I decided that after the wedding we would start trying for a baby.  Our lives had finally slowed down and we didn’t have a wedding to attend every month.  We knew we were ready after getting Addie and we were excited at the possibilities.  I looked at my friend’s wedding as a last hooray.

^^ celebrating our friends wedding in Antigua

May 2016- The plan was to go off birth control right after the trip, but that got extended by a few months.  I was on a medication from the dermatologist and you weren’t able to be pregnant while taking it.  So, I completed the medicine and decided to go off birth control in April.  May was our first month of trying!  We celebrated our second wedding anniversary and it was right around the time I was about to get my period or take a pregnancy test.  I was so nervous to even order a glass of wine at dinner that night.  Gladly I decided to indulge.

^^ celebrating our second wedding anniversary

June-July 2016- For most of my adult life I was on birth control. When I was younger, I had bad acne and eventually started taking Accutane, which you also have to take birth control. So, after I went off the Accutane, with my mom’s approval, I stayed on birth control and didn’t miss a month. I went off birth control in April and it took me until July to even have a real period.  Thankfully, I did end up getting it naturally and no medicine had to be involved.  So, while we were still “trying”, it didn’t really matter because I wasn’t ovulating.

^^ 4th of July with our pup, Addie

August-October 2016- During this time frame, I was having a lot of issues with my thyroid.  I was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism or Grave’s disease.  I had a lot of doctor’s appointments during this time frame and also a lot of blood drawn with lots of testing.  My case was very mild, so my doctor thought it would eventually go away.  Well it didn’t and I eventually had to get a scary test done that scanned my thyroid using dye.  Because of this test we had to abstain from trying for September and October. Eventually, I went on medicine and my thyroid levels were regulated.

^^ Thanksgiving in Chicago.  The first year we didn’t have to travel!

November-April 2016- I went in for a yearly gynecologist appointment in November and we chatted about us trying to have kids.  She advised that we come back for a more in depth pre-baby appointment.  Truthfully, we didn’t get much out of the appointment.  Except, she ran a few tests all coming back normal.  And she told me that since we have cats, that I am no longer able to clean their litter box.  I have to say I loved hearing that because I hated cleaning it!  Our doctor advised us to have fun, don’t pee on any sticks and don’t think about it.  Easier said than done.  After a few months of winging it, we started to be stricter.  But still nothing.  We were so incredibly frustrated at this point.

May 2017- The doctor advised us in our appointment back in November, that most couples naturally conceive within six months.  And if we didn’t get pregnant within that time period to come back and they would start to run more tests.  Well our sixth month came and at the urging of a friend, I sucked it up and made an appointment to go back.

Going into the appointment, I didn’t think much of it.  I didn’t even ask Kurt to come with me because I didn’t think it was that big of a deal.  While I was waiting for the doctor, the nurse gave me a sheet to look over titled ‘Infertility such and such.’  I don’t even remember what was on that sheet because I immediately saw red.  I wasn’t infertile!  We were just taking a little longer than most to conceive. I fought back the urge to cry during that appointment.  Bless my doctor because she was so sweet and uplifting.  She made it seem like this was normal, which I’ve come to learn it is.  And I left with some instructions on some tests I needed to get done.

I kind of brushed the appointment aside and thought I would move on from here.  But I was so wrong.  I woke up the next morning crying.  I literally woke myself up in tears.  I’ve never had that happen before.  I must have been thinking about it or dreaming about it, but I was not ok.  I remember going out into the kitchen where Kurt was making his breakfast and I tapped him on the shoulder. And I just bawled.  I was trying to be strong and push past it, but I just couldn’t.  For days, I would go home, take a bath and go straight to bed.  I’ve never felt depression or sadness like that in those few days after my appointment.

^^ celebrating 3 years of marriage!

After a few days, I was sick of crying and feeling sorry for myself.  Our third wedding anniversary was that week and we had dinner planned at a nice restaurant.  I wanted to have fun and reminisce with my hubby like we do every year.  I told myself that I need to be more positive and I wrote this sticky note and taped it to my mirror.  Every morning, I look at and read it.  Kurt was so proud of me for that note.  It also gave him something to focus on.  This journey was going to be a long and hard one, but one that we were going to do together and most importantly, positively.

^^ I read this every morning!  It’s my infertility mantra and helps us to stay positive!

The scary part at this stage we were at, is the unknown.  Were we ever going to have kids?  What was actually wrong?  Until we got the results of the tests the doctor ordered, we didn’t have any real knowledge about what the issues were.  How long was this going to take?  And how much money was it going to cost?

Over the following weeks, we had some very serious talks together.  We decided that yes, we would be ok with living a life full of fur babies.  It’s something we had to accept, but we were going to try everything we could to have a baby.  If kids weren’t in the plan for us, we would spoil our nephews rotten.  We said no to adoption.  It just wasn’t for us.  And we both shared our fears of twins.  Our life was crazy as it is and adding a baby into the mix was one thing, but TWO- no thanks!

June- July 2017- We started some preliminary tests with our gynecologist.  I had blood drawn to see what my hormone levels were like.  And I had to have this super painful HSG test done.  This test shows if there is any blockage in my Fallopian tubes (thankfully mine were normal) and Kurt had to have a semen analysis. All tests came back normal.  Most likely the case is that I wasn’t ovulating or didn’t ovulate every month.  The gyno recommended we make an appointment to see a fertility specialist so they could give us a more advanced plan.

At this time, I started doing acupuncture.  I’m not going to go into too much detail here because I am going to do another post on it.  But I had a friend who swears by it and at this point, I was willing to try anything.

July 2017- We had our first meeting with the fertility specialist and to say that we weren’t excited is an understatement!  She confirmed that I most likely have PCOS and don’t ovulate regularly.  I have a ton of eggs and Kurt has no issues with his semen.  We were going to be an easy case.  Her words- not mine! The plan was I would take Letrozole to help grow my follicles, get an Ovidril shot to trigger ovulation and then we would schedule an IUI.  We were so excited!!!  This was finally going to happen.

^^ 4th of July in Charlevoix, MI

August 2017- We were cleared from the doctor and I immediately started to take the Letrozole.  A week later I went in for my mid-month ultrasound and to their dismay, I had already ovulated naturally.  The good news is that I responded very well to the medicine.  And they could tell that I had most likely just ovulated recently, so were given instructions to have intercourse and test for pregnancy in two weeks.  Seriously, after all this, we could actually get pregnant naturally?!?!

And then the dreaded two week wait came.  I was compulsively googling every symptom I had.  I swore that I could feel myself ovulate that month. And then the bloating started.  I felt huge.  And something felt different.  I knew my body and something was going on.  I was taking my basal body temperature, which my acupuncturist recommended.  And I had the perfect chart.  You could see exactly where I ovulated and my temp was remaining high every day.  I was convinced I was pregnant.

We went home for the weekend and had a mini family reunion. We went out and I refused to drink.  But I had to hide it because we hadn’t really told people yet and didn’t feel comfortable openly talking about it.  It was still very new for us and we were still wrapping our brains around it all.  And then that Sunday I woke up to my period.  I felt so silly for convincing myself I was pregnant.  I was angry, hurt, my emotions were wild.  And worse I didn’t want to be around anyone.  I was probably a delight to handle, but I couldn’t control myself.

^^ back home visiting family

August-September 2017- When you first see to the fertility doc, they run an insane amount of bloodworm both on the female and male.  They want to make sure there is no underlying issue that they can easily eliminate. In my blood work, they found I wasn’t vaccinated for chicken pox.  I never had it as a kid and received the vaccination around 10 years old, but it wore off.  So, I had to get re-vaccinated, but worse we couldn’t try to get pregnant for two long months.  We were both so frustrated!  Why were we never told this? We both tried to be positive about the situation, but frustration doesn’t even begin to explain it.  Lucky for us, it was the end of summer and we decided to enjoy it!

Because we couldn’t try for two months, I also decided to quit acupuncture.  I was paying out of pocket for it and going once a week was a big commitment.  Since we couldn’t try these couple of months, we both felt this was the best decision financially.

^^ enjoying the last few months of summer!

October 2017- Now fully vaccinated, we were ready for our IUI.  I took the medicine again and the IUI was scheduled. It was scheduled for October 12th and I will probably forever remember that day.  The procedure is really quick and painless.  They use a catheter to inject the sperm as close as they can to your uterus.  The nurse that day warned me that I could get pregnant, but for most women, it can take a few times.  I was excited, but cautious, especially after our experience in August.  Right around two weeks later I got my period and was devastated.  I allowed myself a few days to be upset, but I had the nurse in my ear telling me it could take a few tries.  So that is just what we did- tried again!

^^ one of our favorite trips to Disney World!

November 2017- On to round two of the IUI. And it was looking like the IUI would be scheduled on my birthday this year!  What a wonderful present. That is until, my levels just suddenly stopped increasing like they should have.  Sadly, I wasn’t responding to the Letrozole the same way I had in months’ past.  This month’s IUI was canceled.  I was pretty upset about this.  We had been working with the fertility specialist for almost six months now and we only been had one IUI.  This process was taking forever.

^^ wedding in Chicago for Kurt’s cousin

December 2017- Around this time, I started back up with acupuncture.  I live in Chicago and pretty much right in the city.  My life is busy and hectic and stressful and anything that I can do to reduce that, I was willing to try.  I also was feeling very anxious about the whole process.  The problem with infertility is no women are the same and no cycle is the same. They can give you an idea as to when they think your IUI will be scheduled for but that is just an educated guess.  Your body dictates everything.  There is no planning with infertility!

I also had my annual physical this month with my general doctor and I was really looking forward to it this year.  My doctor is very knowledgeable and I was interested to hear his take on these fertility issues we were having.  He thought it was my thyroid acting up (it was not- all tests were normal) and I asked him his advice on acupuncture. To my surprise, he advised that I stop my treatments.  He said there were no benefits and studies that show acupuncture to help fertility.  By now I was really falling in love with my weekly appointments.  It helped with my anxiety and stress levels so I decided I would see how this cycle went and possibly stop after this IUI.

^^ family pj’s for Christmas!

This month they upped my dosage of Letrozole and my body responded beautifully!  The IUI was scheduled and then came the dreaded two week wait.  I was feeling more tired than usual, but it was the holidays and we were crazy busy.  Maybe it was a sign of early pregnancy or just that I had overbooked myself.  Sadly, I got my period Christmas Eve. Merry Christmas to you too!  I sort of expected it in a way, but Kurt was pretty upset and frustrated.  I didn’t have the heart to tell my parents that next day because I knew they would be upset too, so I waited until we got home after the holidays.

Things were really slow this month at work and also at the fertility office.  With infertility, everything is about timing and your body tells you when you are ready.  So, planning can be kind of hard and that is why a lot of couples take the holidays off. They want to enjoy them and not think about it.  We decided to keep moving forward, since we already had so many setbacks and luckily the timing of everything just worked out for us.

One morning I had the chance to sit down with the nurse and ask a ton of questions.  We had two failed IUI’s so I wanted her take on what the next steps would be.  She advised me to continue with another IUI but make an appointment to see the doctor just in case I didn’t get pregnant.  Likely our next steps would be IVF.  The dreaded three letter word.

I had some time to think and decided one day to do what anyone else does these days.  I turned to Google.  And I typed in ‘how do you know when you are ready for IVF’ and this article popped up.  It completely changed my perspective on the whole situation.  With IUI we only have about a 15-20% chance every month of getting pregnant, which is also the likelihood of a normal couple with no issues trying to get pregnant.  The doctors have an idea of when you will ovulate and the IUI is then performed around that time. But the sperm still has to meet the egg, which the doctors can’t make happen with an IUI.  With IVF, your chances increase to about 60-70%.  Those numbers are a huge!

Kurt was still on the fence about IVF, but I told him he needed to read this article too because it completely changes your perspective.  He finally decided to read it- I think I asked him about it four or five times!  And on NYE we went out to dinner to celebrate the holiday.  That night we decided we would move forward with IVF, if needed.  He agreed that we had already put in a lot of time and effort and the success rate with IVF is so much greater.  2018 was our year to finally become parents!

^^ cozy NYE after dinner with the fur babies!

To go into this article a little deeper.  Our biggest fear about IVF was the cost of it.  We had already been paying out of pocket for the IUI expenses which was about $1000 per month.  Much cheaper than IVF, but not “cheap” by any means.  But the costs associated with IVF are 10-fold.  It’s crazy expensive and insurance doesn’t cover it in a lot of instances.  Money was a huge factor for us.  Luckily, we found out Illinois has a state law that requires insurance to cover IVF.  Finally, something in Chicago is cheap!

We were also nervous about the whole process.  It is a lot to endure on my body and we were scared about the surgery aspect of the egg retrieval.  But come to find out it was a lot simpler than what you think. The process was similar to what we were already going thru, just a lot more shots and screenings.  And the egg retrieval is a simple 10-minute procedure.  And once you have the eggs you don’t have to do that part anymore (that is if they get enough good eggs the first time).  We were both ready to take the next step- if we had to.

January 2018- The doctor ordered me to take Letrozole and scheduled another IUI.  By now I had been seeing my acupuncturist weekly for a good six weeks.  This cycle was the easiest one I went thru.  And I fully believe it all had to do with the acupuncture.  Usually I had to go back two to three times a month to check the size of my follicles, but this month I was ready at my first appointment. I was elated!  Sadly, once again we did not get pregnant, but we had the appointment with the doctor at the end of the month. And we had already decided we wanted to move forward with IVF.

When we finally met with the doctor, we signed up for IVF and decided to move on to the next step!  She was just as frustrated as we were.  But she was so confident we would be successful with IVF.

The IUI Process

I briefly touched on this but want to go into a little more into detail on the whole IUI process.  It is a lot more time consuming than people realize, at least for us it was.  You always start with what they call your baseline at the beginning of the month. At the beginning of the cycle, a few days after you period, you come in for an ultrasound and blood work.  The docs are looking to make sure you don’t have any cysts and that your levels are all stable.

If you are cleared to start, that night you begin your medicine which helps to grow your follicles. In my case I took Letrozole.  You take these pills as instructed for five nights. Around mid-month of your cycle, you return for another ultrasound and blood work.  During this visit, they are looking to see how big the follicles are.  If they can tell that your follicles are growing, but aren’t quite ready yet you may have to go back to repeat the ultrasound in a couple of days.  This was the case almost every cycle for me.  I had to go back about three times usually before my follicles were ever ready.

Once they deemed you ready, a shot of Ovidril is administered to make you ovulate.  This is called your trigger shot.  Most cases it works out that the nurse can give it to you, but that was never the case for us.  So, Kurt had to play nurse.  The first time he had to do it, I was a ball of nerves! I woke up that morning with so much anxiety and we were both so nervous! But literally, it doesn’t hurt AT ALL!  After he did it for the first time, I was like, that’s it?  It is more of mental thing than anything!

The IUI is then scheduled for 36 hours later, which is around the time they believe you will ovulate.  The morning of your partner has to produce a semen sample.  The doctors “wash” the semen and only pick the best sperm.  That process takes about 45 minutes.  Once they are ready they fill the semen into a catheter and inject it as close as they can to the uterus.  The process doesn’t hurt at all, you just feel mild cramping and to be honest the clamp they use to is the worst part.  I always laid there for about 10 minutes after and then you go about your day. They say to take a pregnancy test two weeks from the day of your IUI.  We never got to the point, because I always stated my period even before the two-week mark hit.

Thank you for reading and for all of the support.  We have since moved on to IVF, which I have a whole other post coming your way!  I can’t thank everyone enough for their love and support and for all being part of the fight with us!!

xoxox Amanda