^^Meds from our last few months of- the entire basket was full!
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So you sort of know how the story ends- we are officially pregnant and expecting a little girl in September. But I have always been very open about our journey to get here and I want to continue sharing it. The last time I wrote about this was back in 2018, see my post here. Which just seems so long ago! I think it was really hard to write about it all at the time because we were not having success. But that is kind of how it goes with IVF. So here we go- this is going to be a long one!
I left off here with an update after our first IVF transfer. After my D&E surgery, we needed to let my body recover. Honestly, I was pretty impressed with how fast my body bounced back. The emotional aspect of losing our baby was a whole other story. It was one of the darkest and most heartbreaking times of my life, so I am not going to go into too much detail about it. Just know if you or someone you know has gone thru the loss of a baby, it is extremely difficult. Give them grace and just be there for them if they need you.
During this period, Kurt and I also started to see a therapist. A must in my book when you are going thru IVF and loss. I can’t even begin to explain how much therapy has helped us over the years. We still see her to this day and we also each see our own therapist separately. It has helped manage my anxiety and just helps us navigate thru this weird period of time in our lives. If you have contemplated seeing someone, it is truly one of the best decisions we could have made along this journey. And I don’t think I would be in the right head space today had we not sought it out.
I ended up having a few complications after the surgery that needed to be addressed before we could move forward. You might remember my mom and I went to New York City for Christmas and her 60th birthday (read my post here). We had sooo much fun on that trip! And it was actually on that trip that I got the email from my nurse that all my tests were finally normal and we could FINALLY transfer again. It was very happy news after months of let down.
2019
January 2019
I started the meds again and we had our second transfer in January. I knew right away I was pregnant because I had so many symptoms of my first pregnancy. Kurt and I took a pregnancy test at home and it was confirmed! We were so excited! I went in a few days later for the blood test and it was confirmed, I was indeed pregnant. They always do another blood test two days later, but sadly enough my numbers did not increase. They had actually dropped. The nurse said it could go a few different ways, but I knew in my heart this was over.
I went in for another blood test two days later and sadly my numbers had dropped again. I was having what is knows as a chemical pregnancy. At this point, I was just mad and was so anxious to be able to move on to the next transfer.
February 2019
This was one of the most dreaded times because we should have been welcoming our first baby in February. It was a really sad month, but at the time time, hopeful. We had decided to go right back into another transfer. Sadly, my lining would not get thick enough or cooperate so my doctor canceled my cycle. Frustration cannot even begin to explain what we were going thru. It was just always something!
At this time, we also told our family and close friends we had decided to take a break. It seemed realistic because we were moving in March. I really just couldn’t bear the thought of disappointing anyone anymore. I know deep down, it wasn’t my fault. But everyone had always been so supportive of us that it was just too hard. I wanted to be able to surprise them with good news finally!
March 2019
Again, we decided to go right back into another transfer, but this time we would try new meds to get my lining thicker. This was probably the craziest time for us because we were moving. And I look back and want to shake myself and ask, what were you thinking!? I really should have taken a month or two off at this point. But I couldn’t, I needed to just keep going.
On top of moving, I had caught a bug and was sooo sick. Probably the sickest I had been in many, many years. I’m sure the stress of moving and all of the meds in my system did not help either.
The day we moved was a day I will never forget. The movers were still moving items in our place. We had Comcast here setting up our internet, Best Buy here handing our TV’s- it was pure chaos and insane! And on top of it, the doctors were calling me and asking what I wanted to do because I had to make a decision. First off, I was talking to another doctor in the practice because mine was out of the country. So while, she was nice and obviously very knowledgable, she wasn’t MY doctor and she didn’t know what we had discussed previously.
My lining wasn’t thick enough but she still felt comfortable transferring. Sometimes we get set on a number but that doesn’t always mean it can’t work. Another option I had was canceling this cycles (for the second month in a row mind you) or we could go in a do an egg retrieval because I was on the meds and had eggs that had grown.
I did not want to cancel yet another cycle and I did not want to transfer (this was our last embryo at the time) when I knew my lining was not necessarily ideal. So I made the decision to have another egg retrieval. At least we could get some more embryos out of it. I literally had only less than an hour to make this decision and at the time, it felt like the right one.
We moved on a Friday and that Sunday I was having surgery. Talk about an insane weekend! I called my mom in tears because I was so overwhelmed! Remember, she thought we were on a break so she had no idea I was even on any meds. But I knew I couldn’t have a surgery without filling her in. We had just moved which was intense enough, but throw IVF into the mix and the last minute decision and it was too much. On top of it, I still did not feel well. Wow, what were we thinking haha.
The egg retrieval went well and we ended up getting one embryo which we had further testing on (PGS testing) that all came back normal. I had high hopes for this embryo!
April 2019
Before we decided to go in for another transfer, my doctor wanted me to have this surgery called a hysterscopy. This was actually my second one (I had one right after my D&C) so it was nothing new to me. The surgery uses a scope to go in and look around your uterus. She really wanted to make sure I had no scar tissue or anything else that was impacting my lining growing to be nice and thick. They did find some scar tissue that was removed, but everything else looked perfectly normal.
May 2019
May we were finally able to transfer in what seemed like forever! My lining was cooperating and was nice and thick and we were transferring a normal embryo so I had really high hopes. To our surprise, the transfer was negative and to say were were devastated is an understatement. We had just spent months trying to get to this point and it had not worked. A few days after we got the news, we were off to San Diego to celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary and to spend time with our family out there. I tried to keep it together, but I was so upset and angry with how things had played out.
June/July 2019
We took a much needed break during this timeframe and it was glorious! I had been on drugs for over a year at this point. And I just needed some time to feel like myself again. We had fun, traveled to Savannah, drank, ate lots of sushi and didn’t think about IVF at all. The doctors always says you can go back to back to back with cycles when you are doing IVF, but the mental game is also a huge impact. So my doctor was always for a mental break if that is what we thought we needed, which at this time- it was much needed!
August 2019
After two months off, I was anxious to get back into the game! We had come up with another game plan to go in and do another egg retrieval (egg retrieval #3) and do a fresh transfer (transfer #4). In the past, my lining was always the thicket during egg retrievals so it seemed like a no brainer. We could get more embryos AND still transfer!
My lining got to the thickest it had ever been- close to a 9mm (I was usually at a 6.7-7.4mm range) so this was huge. I was so excited, but sadly this was another negative transfer for us.
September 2019
Sometimes you just gotta keep trying so that is exactly what we did and we went right back into transfer #5. I was convinced my lining wouldn’t cooperate, but it actually did! Again this transfer was another negative for us.
October 2019
At this time, we decided to seek out a second opinion. We were overall happy with our doctor and the team, but we wanted to see if there was anything we were missing. I was open to this, but I was very hesitant on switching doctors. My doctor is one of the best. What could another doctor do for us that she hadn’t already done?
We did get some ideas on some tests and new protocols we could try. The doctor we got a second opinion with and my current doctor at the time actually connected and discussed my case in length together. I thought this was a really cool thing because it really just showed how compassionate these doctors are. They just want to see you be successful.
We came up with a new game plan that involved lots of new meds and tests but we were very hopeful. I ended up doing another hyserscoopy surgery (#3 overall) and it just so happen to fall on Halloween. Kurt wore his 70s costume to the hospital that day and everyone was laughing at him! Hey, we still tried to have fun thru all of this!
November/December 2019
One of the tests we had decided to do was called an ERA. I would take all of the meds as if I was going to transfer, but instead of inserting an embryo the doctor would take a biopsy of my lining. This was to test how much progesterone I needed. There is a standard at all clinics that has a lot of data to support it. But some women fall outside the norm and they either need more progesterone or less.
We found a couple of weeks later that this test indicated I needed more progesterone. I was actually really excited for this news because it meant we were potentially transferring these embryos on the wrong day and that could be why they were failing to implant.
After the ERA biopsy I was then going to take this drug called Lupron Depot which basically put you into menopause. It would reset my lining and give us a fresh canvas to work with. My first shot was at the end of November and I had to have a second shot in December.
This was not a fun drug to be on at all. And I regret now ever making fun of my mom or grandma when they were going thru that “time” of change. I had really bad arthritis in my hands. Some days it hurt so bad to type or be on my phone. And the hot flashes were the worse! They would happen right before I was about to fall asleep. I would also be driving into work in the dead of winter and have my windows rolled down because I was sweating to death. It was a long two months!
February 2020
Because of the timing of everything, January of 2020 was spent prepping for our next transfer and in February we were finally given the green light. We had so many high hopes for this transfer (transfer #6). We had just taken months to prep for this one and we were trying a ton of new meds. Again, it ended in a negative result. We were devastated yet again.
March/April 2020
After this, I again just needed a break. We had a vacation planned for April and I just wanted to enjoy myself for a few months. And then the world basically shut down because of Covid. My doctor’s office was still operating because they are tied to a hospital and had to operate, but many IVF clinics shut down during this timeframe. It felt good to be on a break during this very uncertain period. But I would be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous about what the future looked like in terms of IVF. I was scared I would be forced to stop or pause for a while and I knew I just did not want to do that.
May 2020
In my surprise, my office was back up and running. They had more limited availability, but I was told I could start the prep again to transfer. It felt very fitting because my baseline appointment to start meds was on Mother’s Day- this had to be a sign!
June 2020
We transferred our last embryo at the time (transfer #7) and prayed this little one would stick around. I knew a lot would change if this was yet another negative. It also seemed like the universe was trying to tell me something. I started the meds for this transfer on Mother’s Day and our transfer date happened to fall on the exact same date that we found out we were pregnant two years earlier.
The transfer did not work and we ended up with another negative result. I was heartbroken. It had been a year and a half since our last positive pregnancy test. I was really starting to come to terms that this just might not be in the cards for us.
At our follow up appointment with our doctor, she suggested we use a surrogate. I knew this conversation was coming and had asked her early on that if she thought it was every time to move on to another avenue to please let me know. I’ve mentioned this before, but we have amazing insurance coverage so all of this was covered. I didn’t have the financial excuse to stop treatment like a lot couples do. We could keep trying over and over again if wanted to.
I was very open to using a surrogate. It is truly a beautiful thing. I even talked to someone in more detail at a surrogacy agency and went into the process in more detail. I was all for it, but just could no get over the price of it. And that is just to TRY for a baby. There were no guarantees. I felt like I had to choose between ever being able to afford a home or having a child. The expense is just insane- as it should be. These women give up so much!
The thought of never having to take another shot was really exciting to me. But when I really started to think about it, it broke my heart that I would never be able to feel those first kicks or have Kurt rub my belly. Growing up I never even would read a library book because I hated the fact that sooo many other people had touched them and there were germs everywhere. And then I was going to ask a complete stranger to carry my very own child for me?!
I knew there would be some things we would have to work thru if we wanted to go the surrogacy route, but at this point I realized I wasn’t ready to give up on my body.
July 2020
We decided to seek out another consultation and found another doctor. After our first meeting with her, it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. She was so upbeat and positive and I was excited to jump back in!
Since, we didn’t have anymore embryos left, we jumped right back into an egg retrieval (overall egg retrieval # 4). I was very cautious at this time. I still loved my previous doctor and I had a really hard time trusting someone new. This clinic did things so differently which was a good thing. But I had gotten so use to one way.
The egg retrieval went ok, I thought. We got 9 eggs and I was a little disappointed based off my numbers with my previous clinic. We ended up with two embryos that were sent off for testing. A few weeks later we found out that both of those embryos came back abnormal. Meaning they were missing or had extra chromosomes and were not genetically sound. Most likely if we would have transferd them, it would have either been negative or resulted in a miscarriage. I was upset at the time because I had just put my body thru so much and we had spent so much money! But at the same time, relieved because I couldn’t take the heartache anymore of a negative transfer.
August 2020
Since we still had no embryos, we went right back into another egg retrieval (egg retrieval #5 overall, #2 with the new doctor). We completely changed up the meds this time around and were hopeful this would be the answer. Well, things didn’t go as planned and it was our worst cycle yet. We didn’t even end up with any embryos.
I will say this was when I really contemplated if we had made the right decision. With our past doctor we never had issues creating embryos, so it was hard to accept that is might be yet another struggle in our journey. I found out on a Friday afternoon that we did not get any embryos. And by 5pm that day my doctor had called me and we had a new game plan.
I cannot tell how much that meant to me. Usually you have to wait a week or so for an appointment with your doctor to figure out next steps. And I always do so much better with a plan in place. At least I know that we are moving forward. So instead of being upset that weekend, I was excited again. We had a new plan and our doctor was confident in the plan. My thoughts on this new clinic really shifted during this time period. Our new doctor was fully invested in helping us be successful. In fact, I clearly remember her stating she was going to help us get our baby….and I fully believed her.
September 2020
We went in for egg retrieval # 6 overall and #3 with the new doctor. We changed up the meds quite a bit and it was our best one yet! In the end up got 5 blasts that we sent off for testing and we finally had one normal and healthy embryo! It was so exciting that we finally had some good news and results after so many let downs.
During this retrieval we got a ton more eggs and my body was feeling the effects of all the drugs. It took me a couple of days to bounce back (usually I felt better within a couple of days), but this one was a lot more intense!
October 2020
Our new doctor is really big on ‘banking’ embryos. Meaning do a lot of egg retrievals in a row and get as many good, healthy ones as you can before you move on to transfer them. And then you potentially have them if you want a second or third baby. My insurance also covers four egg retrieval’s in a given year (it starts over in January) and since we had such a hard time even getting one healthy embryo, we decided to do another egg retrieval (egg retrival #7 overall and #4 with the new doctor).
We did the same protocol of meds because we found what worked best for my body and we got an insane amount of eggs- 34 eggs!!!! In the end we got 10 blasts that were sent off for testing and ended up with four more healthy embryos. Overall, we had a total now of five PGS tested embryos. It was time to start transferring!
November 2020
But before we started to transfer, we wanted to do what is called a mock cycle where we run lots of tests before transfer. The doctor left this decision up to us and I really wanted to do it all. I didn’t want to have another failed transfer and look back and say oh well, we should have done this and this.
During this month, we did another ERA biopsy (overall #2) to test how much progesterone I needed, I had another hyserscopy (overall #4) and we did a new test I had never done called receptiva. This tested to see if I had inflammation. The ERA came back receptive, the hysterscopy they didn’t find anything wrong. And the receptiva test came back positive for inflammation meaning I likely have what is called silent endometriosis.
December 2020
We had a plan now and decided to go right into a transfer (transfer #8 overall and #1 with the new doctor). And it just so happened to work! You can read a little more about my symptoms during the two week wait here and our announcement here. I am now 24 weeks pregnant we are very hopeful and excited for the future!
I don’t really have any advice to offer other than follow your gut in your IVF journey. People always say ‘never give up’, but sometimes you have to. And I think that is really easy for people to say that once they have had success. There were so many instances when I thought, is this really worth it? The process is emotionally and physically exhausting and sometimes you just need a break to re-group. I always knew it would work out eventually for us. Whether that meant surrogacy or a healthy pregnancy. Life always has its way of working out. It might not be how you planned it, but life does work out.
Thanks for reading and if anyone ever has any questions, feel free to reach out. I documented all of my numbers and tests because I’m crazy haha. So if you want more details- I’m open to share!
xoxox Amanda
Other IVF Posts:
Our Infertility Journey Part 2: IVF
